What I Can't Tell You - An Alcoholic's Journey

I can’t tell you how many times I have lied to my wife.  I can’t tell you how many times I could have been playing with my sons.  I can't tell you how many times I have rushed out of somewhere, or left extra early to get somewhere, only to make sure I got to have one (or four) beers.  But, I can tell you it has been 70 days since my last drink. 

I can’t tell you how many times I wished my mother would just shut up.  I can’t tell you how many times I let myself be embarrassed by my mother.  I can’t tell you how many times I’m sure I hurt her feelings.   But, I can tell you that it has been 212 days since I had to leave my mother’s hospital bedside because I couldn’t keep it together while listening to her talk like it was 20 years ago.  

My brother and I have known it for a few years.  Our mother has Dementia.  My father, her husband of 52+ years, knew but didn’t want to admit he was losing his best friend and love of his life.  I get that.  When I left the hospital, 212 days ago, I immediately went to see my father.  That’s what capped the hardest day in recent history for me.  My father admitted he knew something was wrong.   It broke my heart talking to him.  Upon leaving him, I immediately bought six or seven beers and drank them, in my car, driving between downtown Nashville and the 30 or so miles to a neighboring county I call home. 

Over the next five months, I drank myself silly.  Sadly, mostly while driving.  A lot of time spent sitting in a parking lot crying and drinking and calling people with my problems.  It got worse and worse (and worse) until I decided I would not let my mother have a last memory of me as a drunk. 

Then, on June 28, 2018 I called my pastor.  He hooked me up with a mutual friend who took me to my first AA meeting.  I also started going to a support group for family and caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s. 

I can't tell you if I’ll stay sober through all of this.  I can tell you I’ll stay sober today.  I can tell you that I’m about to head to a meeting in a few minutes.  I can tell you that I’m dealing with two very ugly diseases in Dementia and Alcoholism. 

This is undoubtedly one of the toughest seasons I will go through in this life. With faith in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, my supportive family and friends, a fantastic sponsor and home group, I believe I’ll see the other side.  Hopefully, I might just be a better man, a better husband, and a better father for it. 

With that, there is help and hope for you.  If you need help, it is out there.  If you are sick with alcoholism or addiction, know that I am praying for you daily and hope to see you healthy some day. 

Grace and Peace,

A Grateful Alcoholic