ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS.

A week ago, my child needed groceries. So, I drove nearly two hours one way and took him grocery shopping. I know he was hungry because he does not reach out to me unless he needs food. My heart both rejoices and breaks a little when he reaches out. It rejoices because he knows he can count on me, and breaks because his choices have him in the situation to ask for food. Still, I am his Mama, and my instinct is to nourish and protect him. Is that really what I am doing in this situation? Am I truly helping him or am I helping myself feel better? It is the latter I’m sure.

I won’t make excuses for my enabling. I’m struggling with my son’s addiction and his choices. Frankly, sometimes, I just need to lay eyes on him so I can sleep at night. I need to hear his voice and see him. Put my arms around him and give him a hug. But, something happened this time, that in his 20+ years on this earth have never happened before, he pulled back from my embrace. I was just going to pat the back of his neck as I was encouraging him to make better decisions, and he recoiled from my hand. And, just when you think your heart can’t break anymore. It does.

Before I could completely have a meltdown, we pulled into the place he is staying. He got out of the vehicle and began to unload groceries. He was thankful and appreciative, and gave me a hug before I left. This time too it was different. Not only now can I see my son slipping away, I can feel it … literally.

Daily, I continue to pray for him to have the strength to make better choices, and for me to be able to do what I need to do for him and for myself to survive this evil. I continue to go to therapy, take anxiety medication, and do my best to function daily. I read this scripture, which sums of love so beautifully, and reminds me of what I need to do.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, and ALWAYS perseveres.”