Q&A with Shelly
Q: What is/was your relationship to addiction/addict?
A: My relationship with addiction began with my high school sweetheart. We had dated off and on since we were 10 and I knew that back in the day he smoked pot so when we got back together I expected some drug use but had no idea what I was in for until the abuse started. His addiction to pills and alcohol turned him into someone I didn't know. Pills turned into cocaine, cocaine turned into meth. I was so naïve, I had no idea what I was doing "wrong". When I figured out what he was doing I then thought I could help him. I was so desperate to see the person I loved that I endured the physical and emotional abuse to just see that sober glimpse of the person I loved. That's when I realized it was making me an addict also. I was chasing the high of him sober. It wasn't worth the damage he did to me and my children so I had to cut him off completely. Now, we can speak cordially but that took 10 years. It took a decade, a decade, for us to be civil, but the effects are lifelong.
Q: Do you think you are/were co-dependent? If so, why?
A: I think I was co-dependent to an extent but it was from the abuse caused by the addiction. He scared me into taking him back and I told myself that I needed to try and make the marriage work. Addicts are masters at emotional and mental abuse, master manipulators and when you have a big heart they can smell it a mile away. I always used to see the good in people, probably the reason why I've been married 6 times. A couple of years ago I took 6 months and put myself through the hardest self exploration. I had to admit to myself that my way of thinking (and feeling) was causing me and my children so much pain. Now I call a spade, a spade and make more appropriate choices for my mental health.
Q: What has helped you cope?
A: Ooh...... insert deep breath here........I'm not sure I do or if I just avoid anything that triggers me. I can spot an addict a mile away be it drugs, sex, shopping, gambling......I can see it and I avoid getting sucked in at all cost. I don't think that's really coping as much as it is putting up a wall. That's what I hate about addiction the most, it changes everyone, their personality, their hopes and dreams. Dealing with addiction and abuse has made me hard and emotionless at times and I hate it.
Q: How do you feel about how loved ones cover up and mask their loved one's addiction?
A: I HATE ENABLERS!! SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!! STOP giving them money! STOP having a place for them to sleep. STOP saying It's ok.....IT IS NOT!! They are hurting people and themselves. And newsflash.......you don't love them better. They have to want to be sober and NOBODY can do that for them. That is not your husband/wife/child!! For the love of GOD, save yourself and pray God touches their heart and shows them the way back to themselves, but believe me.....it is not you!
Q: Have you ever spoke publicly about the struggle?
A: Other than just talking among friends, no. I'm not opposed to telling my story, just haven't had an opportunity to speak about it. I needed to hear it years ago it may have helped me and if my words can wake somebody up that would put a small piece of my heart back together.